It is something that has been talked about more and more, yet, I still find myself struggling to come to terms with. Like a lot of teenage girls in this generation, I have a difficult relationship with food and my body.
I find it strange that as a little girl I was 1000 times more confident about my physical appearance than I am now. Maybe it's the media, or maybe it's the words of people I surround myself with, or maybe it's just my own mind mucking around and messing me up to a degree that is starting to be unacceptable. Though I stop myself and realise that I am developing an issue, this realisation doesn't do much but leave me clenching my fist and digging my finger nails deeper into my flesh or bitting the skin around my fingers till they bleed.
Every time after I eat, there is a pang of guilt that looms around me for hours - somedays are worst than others. I hate that I increasingly spend more time in front of the mirror, pressing my stomach, using any fingers to measure how much bigger my stomach has gotten, squeezing my ribcage to see whether I gained more fat there, sucking in my stomach till I turn red in hopes to get my abs and cursing at myself for eating that piece of dessert.
What terrifies me the most is what the person I love dearly thinks of me. It's the fact that she squeezes my arm to remind me of how big they are, or how she would use her thumb and middle finger to wrap around my wrist and measure how big it is, or how she would look at my stomach and see whether it has gotten bigger, or how she would comment on other girl's appearance and rating their appearances on a "pretty scale", whether it be an actress, model or a stranger on the street. It terrifies me that she might secretly think I am not her ideal "weight" or "look", especially when I put on a swimsuit. It is especially the comments she makes about how other girls are losing weight after going abroad for university, yet here I am with a body that didn't change at all. I try to eat less (believe me when I say I am trying my best), and I spend way too much time googling the contents of food and how to lose weight/self induce vomit - it just leaves me in tears, really.
I count my calories more now and it's fucking exhausting. I get sad when I don't have an ideal physique for the amount of food I eat (barely anything sometimes). I eat 2 eggs and a salad on most days yet I don't feel any smaller. I walk everywhere and go the extra mile as much as I can. I started running faster at the gym in hopes to vomit out my meal (but it barely worked). The guilt of eating is always there and the words of the people I love the most absolutely crushes me to pieces.
God, I hope my daughter never feels the way that I do when I am at my lowest. If you're struggling as much as I am with your own body, believe me, you are really not alone. I didn't used to this way, and it only really started getting bad towards the end of last year, so I really hope I can go back to not feeling absolutely awful about my body all of the damn time.
With love,
Cheryl
I find it strange that as a little girl I was 1000 times more confident about my physical appearance than I am now. Maybe it's the media, or maybe it's the words of people I surround myself with, or maybe it's just my own mind mucking around and messing me up to a degree that is starting to be unacceptable. Though I stop myself and realise that I am developing an issue, this realisation doesn't do much but leave me clenching my fist and digging my finger nails deeper into my flesh or bitting the skin around my fingers till they bleed.
Every time after I eat, there is a pang of guilt that looms around me for hours - somedays are worst than others. I hate that I increasingly spend more time in front of the mirror, pressing my stomach, using any fingers to measure how much bigger my stomach has gotten, squeezing my ribcage to see whether I gained more fat there, sucking in my stomach till I turn red in hopes to get my abs and cursing at myself for eating that piece of dessert.
What terrifies me the most is what the person I love dearly thinks of me. It's the fact that she squeezes my arm to remind me of how big they are, or how she would use her thumb and middle finger to wrap around my wrist and measure how big it is, or how she would look at my stomach and see whether it has gotten bigger, or how she would comment on other girl's appearance and rating their appearances on a "pretty scale", whether it be an actress, model or a stranger on the street. It terrifies me that she might secretly think I am not her ideal "weight" or "look", especially when I put on a swimsuit. It is especially the comments she makes about how other girls are losing weight after going abroad for university, yet here I am with a body that didn't change at all. I try to eat less (believe me when I say I am trying my best), and I spend way too much time googling the contents of food and how to lose weight/self induce vomit - it just leaves me in tears, really.
I count my calories more now and it's fucking exhausting. I get sad when I don't have an ideal physique for the amount of food I eat (barely anything sometimes). I eat 2 eggs and a salad on most days yet I don't feel any smaller. I walk everywhere and go the extra mile as much as I can. I started running faster at the gym in hopes to vomit out my meal (but it barely worked). The guilt of eating is always there and the words of the people I love the most absolutely crushes me to pieces.
God, I hope my daughter never feels the way that I do when I am at my lowest. If you're struggling as much as I am with your own body, believe me, you are really not alone. I didn't used to this way, and it only really started getting bad towards the end of last year, so I really hope I can go back to not feeling absolutely awful about my body all of the damn time.
With love,
Cheryl
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